Grace
by Jessica12
Summary: L/L (AU) Part 3- "Again"- A ring, a question of marriage and a twist of fate.....Please Review!
1. Default Chapter

Title: Grace  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG-13  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Lorelai goes to Luke for comfort after the break-up with   
Max. What she finds is.....  
AUTHORS NOTE: * I'm looking for a beta-reader. Interested? PLEASE ;)  
E-mail me....  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
Feeling lost.  
Aching.  
Getting harder to breathe.  
I went to him to find a shoulder to cry on.  
I came to be held.  
I came to hear that I had done the right thing.  
I came to be saved.  
It was dark outside as I banged on the door to the diner.  
Night.  
He appeared in the doorway.  
His hair was in a mess.  
Tired eyes.   
He rubbed his eyes and said:  
"It's two a clock in the morning."  
I brushed past him.  
He shut the door after me and looked at me.  
I wanted to say something.  
Explain.  
Wanting to cry.  
"I broke up with Max."  
His face changed in a second.  
Compassion.  
Sorrow.  
He walked towards me.  
HOLD ME! PLEASE, HOLD ME!  
I couldn't say those words out load.  
I just couldn't.  
His eyes pierced into me.   
Seeing everything.  
Understanding.  
He took me into his arms without question.  
I rested my head against his shoulder.  
"I'm so sorry."  
"I just couldn't..."  
I broke free from him and sat down on a chair.   
My legs wouldn't carry me.   
He sat down beside me.   
Silence followed.   
I knew that he wouldn't force me to talk.  
It felt so nice to know that he was there for me.   
To have him.   
Know that he would catch me if I fell.  
"I don't think I ever loved him."  
"Lorelai, you don't.."  
"I loved him. But I was never IN love with him. Do you know what I   
mean?"  
His dark eyes looked into mine and I felt...  
Safe.  
"When I was a child I imagined a great love. The kind of love that   
you read about. That last a lifetime...I want that...."  
He took my hand.   
"I know you do."  
"I want someone that really knows me. Everything about me. What kind  
of music I like, favorite food, what kind of movies that makes me   
cry and what makes me laugh. Everything. Someone that can stay up  
all night just to see what I look like when I sleep....Oh, I know  
it sounds silly. But I want that...All of that..."  
He reached for me.  
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him.  
Surrendering in his arms.  
I rested my head against his chest and continued:  
"I thought I had found that. Someone...Real. I wanted so desperately  
that he would be the ONE that I ignored. everything..."  
He stroked my hair.  
Calming my heart.  
"He asked me to marry him. I wanted...to be..."  
"I know."  
"But I couldn't. I couldn't....God, how could I be so ..."  
"Lorelai..It's okay."  
"No. I'm a horrible person."  
"No, you're not."  
I broke free from him.   
"I led him on...I made him believe.."  
"You did the right thing."  
"What?"  
"You took a chance. You let your heart guide you and for a brief   
moment.."  
"But..I failed...Don't you see that...Once again. I'm a horrible   
person. Failure, that's me."  
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him.  
He framed my face between his hands and made me look at him.  
"Please, don't cry. You're a wonderful person. You're the strongest  
and the bravest person I know. Look at you...You're perfect.   
You can get through this."  
"I don't know if I can."  
He smiled.  
Then he leaned in and kissed away my tears.  
His lips against my skin send chills down my spine.  
Trembling.  
"Yes, you can. I'll be here.."  
  
---------------  
  
She was so close that I could almost sense the scent of her hair.  
Beautiful.  
Beauty.   
I knew that I should let go her.  
But I couldn't.  
I needed her.  
Wanting.  
Longing.  
Desire ate at my heart.  
I lowered my mouth to hers and brushed my lips against hers.  
Wanting just a taste.  
Just a little.  
It could last me a lifetime.  
But I knew in the minute her lips touched mine that I was lost.  
She didn't object.  
She didn't push me away.  
She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me to her.  
I sighed.  
  
---------------------------  
  
I wanted this.  
Him.  
Everything.  
I shivered a bit as I felt him running his  
tongue against my lips.   
I opened and let him in.   
I could feel myself crumble as our tongues met.  
Desire.  
Longing.  
Wanting everything at once.  
Him.  
Luke.  
He pulled away from me.   
Lifted me up.  
On strong arms.  
He carried me up to his apartment and laid me  
down on his bed.  
I refused to be afraid.  
I will not fear the future.  
Never again.  
Needed this.  
Him.  
I reached for him.  
  
---------------------  
  
I went to her with out hesitation.  
Maybe this is wrong.  
I don't know.  
Maybe this will only cause me heartache.  
But as I looked into her eyes I knew that didn't really matter.  
For once in my life I listened to my heart.  
I moved slowly.  
Wanting to see her.  
All of her.  
No words were needed.  
I lowered my mouth to hers.  
Tasting.  
Remembering.  
Feeling.  
I unbuttoned her shirt slowly.  
Her skin seems to glow in the moonlight as I push her shirt apart.  
My hands tremble a bite as I touch the sensitive skin over her  
heart.  
I had imagined this for so long now.  
I lowered my mouth and let my lips taste her skin.  
  
-----------------------  
  
All sanity were lost as his mouth touched the sensitive skin on   
my neck and chest.   
Madness.  
Desire ran like poison through my veins.  
I surrendered as he removed my bra.  
I tore at his clothes.  
Wanting to feel him against me.  
His hands were warm as he ran his hands up my stomach.   
I whisper his name into the night as his lips   
find their way to my breasts.  
Madness.  
Heaven and hell all wrapped into one.  
I sighed as his naked chest touched mine.  
Wanting to taste him.  
Everything.  
Feeling.  
Tasting.  
Wanting.  
Living.  
  
----------------  
  
I wanted to etch every part of her into my memory.  
I painted her with my lips and hands.  
Tracing.  
Loving her with my hands.  
Aching for her touch.  
My body screamed for her.  
Her hands on my body made me tremble inside.  
Wanting to feel her.  
All of her.  
Be inside her.  
Own her.  
Melting.  
Her eyes were dark as I parted her legs.  
She called my name into the dark as I touched the center of her  
being.  
Searching.  
Exploring.  
Burning hot.  
All reason went out the window as her hand went down,   
down,  
down.  
Losing control.  
Lost.  
I entered her with her sigh.  
Whispering her name.  
Whispering words of love.  
She reached for me, wanting me closer.  
We melted together.  
Perfect together.  
She was all around me.  
Everywhere.  
Occupying every sense.  
Reaching ecstasy at the same time.  
We fell.  
Falling.  
We went to heaven and beyond.  
-----------------------------  
  
I woke slowly.  
He was still sleeping beside me.  
It was still dark outside as I slipped from his arms.  
Wanting to run away.  
Again.  
From him.  
Everything.  
Luke.  
I dress in the moonlight.  
I want to stay.  
With him.  
Feeling lost.  
I haven't got everything figured out.  
Needing time.  
To find my way.   
Back to sanity.  
  
------------------  
  
An empty space beside woke me.  
My bed felt so cold.  
She was gone.  
I rose.  
Wanting to find her.  
Talk to her.  
Kiss her.  
Love her.  
I called her name into the morning sun.  
Silence met me.  
Pain.  
Doubting.  
I refused to surrender.   
Not yet.  
She will come back to me.  
I had to believe that.  
  
  
-------------------------  
  
FEEDBACK____j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	2. Still standing

Title: Still standing  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: After the events of "Grace". Lorelai and Luke both  
have to handle the consequences of their night together. Rachel  
returns to Stars Hollow.  
AUTHORS NOTE: Thank you to Amy once again...My friend and savior :)  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
-------------------------------  
"I wonder how I ever made it through a day  
How did I settle for a world in shades of gray  
When you go in circles all the sea looks the same  
And you don't know how, then I looked into your eyes  
And the world stretched out in front of me and I realized.."  
("Before you love" sung by Kelly Clarkson )  
  
--------------------------  
Still standing  
By: Jessica  
  
---------------------  
I tried to erase him from my memory.  
As the days turned into weeks my memory started to fade.  
I no longer could remember the feel of his lips against mine.  
My hands no longer screamed out for him.  
I was going to be all right.  
Or at least that's what I tried to convince myself.  
  
---------------------  
I kept hoping that she would come back to me.  
I tried to tell myself that she needed time.  
But as the days grew into weeks I knew that I was fooling myself.  
She would not come to me.  
I refused to go to her.  
Her silence judged her.  
I kept seeing her around town.  
She never stepped foot inside my diner.  
Never even looked at me.  
And that hurt.  
I wanted her and I took a chance on my heart.  
And I lost.  
  
-------------  
It was the hardest thing I have ever done.  
Staying away from him.  
Sometimes he came to me in my dreams.  
He brought light into my life.  
Brought my soul peace.  
But as soon as the morning came he was gone.  
Leaving me there all alone.  
I refused to miss him.  
I tried to convince myself that I was better off.  
That I didn't need the complications.  
But there came days when I found myself standing outside the diner  
longing to go in.  
Wanting to feel him.  
Wanting to hear him.  
Wanting the life he could give me.  
But I always backed away.  
Turned my back and walked away.  
I fled.  
Took the easiest way out.  
I ran.  
----------------------  
She came in the morning just before I was about to open the diner.  
She came to break my heart.  
Lorelai.  
I let her in.  
"What's the matter?"  
"Nothing."  
"Then why are you here?"  
"I wanted to talk to you."  
"About what?"  
"I don't want anything to come between us."  
"Okay."  
"But I feel that we have to talk about what happened."  
I nodded.  
Hope started to build in my chest.  
Maybe I was wrong about her.  
Maybe everything will be all right.  
"I don't want that night to come between us..We have a great  
friendship and I don't want anything to ruin that."  
"It won't."  
"So you agree?"  
"Agree to what?"  
"That it was a mistake."  
Her words hit me right in the chest.  
I had thought that she had come her to...  
Pain.  
Sorrow.  
I looked at her and for a moment I wanted to hate her.  
But I couldn't.  
I could never hate her.  
Lovely Lorelai.  
All I could see was her.  
Guess I was a fool thinking that...  
It's over now.  
"A mistake."  
"Yes."  
She nodded.  
Her eyes met mine and I understood.  
I wanted to tell her how much her words hurt me but I couldn't.  
So I lied.  
"I agree."  
She smiled.  
Then she turned around and walked away from me.  
Leaving me standing there longing for her.  
-----------------  
She entered my life in a time when my heart was bleeding.  
She saved me.  
Rachel.  
I wanted to push her away.  
She had hurt my so many times.  
Broken my heart.  
Shattered my soul.  
But I didn't care about that.  
I needed her.  
Wanted her.  
Anyone.  
I needed human contact.  
To forget the world for a while.  
So I fell into her.  
Savior.  
-------------  
The message came by way of Sookie.  
She stood in the middle of the kitchen of the Inn and told me.  
I never thought it could hurt me the way it did.  
I have always though I was stronger than that.  
I guess I was wrong.  
Rachel was back in his life.  
The love of his life.  
The one that got away.  
I should be happy for him.  
He deserves every happiness life can give him.  
I have no claim to his heart.  
-----------------  
We made no promises this time around.  
I understood.  
She understood.  
I needed to her to mend my heart.  
She needed me to control her wild heart.  
I never told her.  
She understood, anyway.  
She has always been able to read me like an open book.  
I thanked god for her.  
The hardest thing I have ever done was inviting her back into my life.  
But I refused to let her back into my heart.  
I just couldn't.  
Fear held me back.  
It was a matter of survival.  
---------------------  
I went about my day as usual.  
Everything was normal.  
Nothing had changed.  
I entered the diner one week after the message that Rachel was back.  
He was behind the counter.  
Luke.  
He looked up as I walked through the door.  
Our eyes met.  
I walked up to him.  
"Hi" I said.  
"Hi" He said.  
His eyes pierced into me.  
I tried to read what he was thinking but it was impossible.  
I wanted to say something.  
To explain.  
To try to make him see my point of view.  
But as I looked into his eyes I knew that my words only fell ON  
deaf ears.  
He was determined now.  
To shut me out.  
In that moment my heart shattered into millions and millions of  
tiny pieces.  
Ice was what he gave me.  
I deserved all of this.  
I have no one to blame but me.  
"What will you have?"  
I crumbled under his gaze.  
"Coffee, please."  
That was all I was able to say.  
-------------------  
I could see pain in her eyes.  
Sorrow.  
So many feelings flashed across her face.  
For a moment I wanted to fall.  
To let my guard down.  
To reach out and touch her.  
But a voice in my head kept reminding me of all the pain  
she had caused me.  
I just couldn't walk down that path once again.  
I just couldn't.  
So I had to push her out of my heart.  
Otherwise I would perish.  
Forever.  
------------------------------------  
The Inn,  
One month later,  
Christmas Eve  
-------------  
  
I thought I was strong.  
I really thought I could make it through.  
But I was wrong.  
  
I walked through the door thinking that I had put it all behind me.  
I was moving on with my life.  
Then I saw her.  
She was standing by the reception talking to Sookie.  
She was dressed in a dark dress.  
Her hair was shining.  
Glowing.  
She was on fire.  
Suddenly she looked up.  
Our eyes met.  
She smiled.  
----------  
He was standing by the door dressed in a nice suit.  
He looked nice.  
Handsome.  
Out of reach.  
His eyes pierced into me.  
I moved towards him.  
"Hi."  
"Hi."  
He was standing just an arm length away.  
My hands screamed out to touch him.  
To be touched by him.  
But that was only my heart that was dreaming of something I couldn't  
have.  
"I'm glad you came."  
"Wouldn't miss it."  
He smiled.  
And I fell.  
Then the front door opened and Rachel entered the Inn.  
I fled.  
--------------  
She didn't say anything.  
She didn't have to say anything.  
Everything was already said.  
But for a moment I had hoped that she would prove me wrong.  
That she wanted me.  
Needed me.  
Loved me.  
Guess I was wrong.  
  
------------------  
I know that I was acting silly.  
Running away as I did.  
But I just couldn't face them.  
Not yet.  
I needed to find strength somewhere.  
I know that I should let him go.  
But the memory of him still lingers in the back of my head.  
Him.  
Luke.  
I enter the ballroom pride glowing in my eyes.  
I refuse to let them see how much I'm hurting.  
I'm stronger than that.  
He was standing together with Rachel by the bar.  
They were talking.  
I stood there.  
Out of sight for them.  
Watching them.  
Longing for him.  
He smiled at her.  
Pain ripped through me like wave.  
Jealousy.  
But I had no right to feel like this.  
No right at all.  
I had chosen this.  
To push him away.  
He gave me his heart and I turned him down.  
I'm the criminal here.  
----------------------  
I could feel her eyes on me.  
I knew she was close.  
I could feel her.  
Lorelai.  
I wanted to go to her.  
To talk to her.  
To smile again.  
But I had to be strong.  
I would not give in.  
She had made her choice.  
Both of us knew.  
But a part of me still wanted her.  
And that scared me.  
------------------------  
Van Morrison's lovely "Someone Like You" filled the room.  
I walked towards him.  
Seeing only him.  
Hope living in my eyes.  
Love.  
Desire.  
Our eyes met.  
"Do you want to dance?"  
He looked at me.  
He moved towards me.  
"Yes."  
He led me to the dance floor.  
He took my hand.  
Took my heart.  
Again.  
Hand around my waist.  
He pulled me closer.  
His scent filled me up.  
Causing my heart to flutter in my chest.  
With a sigh I surrendered.  
I rested my head against his shoulder.  
The music calmed me down.  
I could almost hear his heartbeat.  
As the song came to an end we parted.  
I lifted my head and met his gaze.  
I wished I could read what he was thinking.  
"I want to..."  
Explain.  
"No.."  
"Luke, please..."  
He understood.  
He let go of me.  
I was already missing his touch.  
"No, Lorelai."  
Then he turned around and walked out of the ballroom.  
  
I found him standing outside watching as the snow came down from  
a darkened sky.  
"Come inside, Luke."  
He turned around and looked at me.  
"Why did you ask me to come here today?"  
"It's a Christmas party.."  
"You didn't answer me..Why me? What do you want from me?"  
I walked up to him.  
"I want to explain."  
"You have nothing to explain."  
"Yes, I have."  
"No, you don't."  
"Then why haven't we talked for about a month?"  
"We talk."  
"No, we don't. You mutter something every time I enter the diner and  
then you excuse yourself and leave. Why? I thought we were friends."  
"I thought that too.."  
"Then why?"  
"Don't you understand..."  
"Is this about..."  
"Yes.."  
"I thought we talked about that."  
"You talked. I listened."  
"But you agreed. We agreed that it all was a mistake."  
"Really. A mistake."  
"Yes."  
"I gave you my heart that night. I told you the truth."  
"Luke..."  
"I said that I loved you and you just..Mistake, huh. I gave you  
everything and you just threw it aside like it was nothing."  
"No.."  
I reached for him but he avoided my hand.  
"You broke my heart that morning when you told me that it was all  
a mistake."  
"I'm so sorry...I..."  
"Don't bother."  
"Luke, please..."  
"No. I stood by your side for so long and I did everything for you.  
I tried to prove...I tried to make you see..."  
"I was blind...I was scared..."  
"Oh, don't bother...You don't have to explain."  
"I want to.."  
"No..You see..I'm better now..I have found a way to drive you out  
of my heart."  
"Luke.."  
"Don't worry..I'm just fine..I feel better than ever..So don't worry.  
You'll not hear those words from me ever again."  
"I made a mistake."  
"That's not my problem."  
"Don't do this!"  
"It's my decision"  
"Please, I want.."  
"YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE ME!"  
The pain struck and struck hard.  
I never thought words could hurt me so.  
I never he could hurt me so.  
But he did.  
They did.  
I reached for him.  
But he pushed my hand away.  
"Please..."  
I was standing in front of the man I loved asking him to love me.  
Pleading for my heart.  
I was losing.  
He turned to me.  
I was crying now.  
"I don't know what you wanted to achieve with this party.."  
"I wanted to tell you the truth."  
"I don't want to hear it."  
He turned to leave.  
Panic ate at my heart.  
"I love you."  
He stopped.  
Then he turned around and looked straight at me.  
"Don't you ever say that again."  
I fell.  
I died.  
Then he turned around and walked away.  
And the snow kept on falling.  
--------------------------  
  
*Part 3 is called "Again" and it's coming soon...  
Feedback----j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	3. Again

Title: Again  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai.  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: A bend in the road, a twist of fate and a goodbye and a new  
beginning.  
AUTHORS NOTE: Part of this is inspired by the music video "Unbreakable"  
by Westlife. I can't say that I'm huge fan but I found the video  
to be really great. For those who have seen it know where I'm coming  
from. English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
--------------------------------------------  
"I've memorized your face  
I know your touch by heart  
Still lost in your embrace  
I'd dream of where you are..."  
( from "One more time" written by Richard Marx )  
------------------------------  
Again  
by: Jessica  
---------------------  
I stood there along time watching as he walked away from me.  
I wanted to run after him.  
Make him see.  
Make him understand.  
But I knew that it was no use.  
He had made it clear.  
He didn't want to hear.  
Didn't believe me.  
I wanted to hate him for what he did to my heart.  
But I couldn't.  
I could never hate him.  
Guess I have to surrender this battle now.  
He will never mine.  
I have to accept that.  
-------------------------  
Rachel found me one hour later sitting in the darkness of the diner.  
She sat down opposite me and took my hand.  
"What's the matter?"  
"Nothing."  
"You have always been such bad liar."  
"It's nothing. I swear."  
"You danced with Lorelai and then you were both gone."  
"Nothing happened."  
"It's doesn't look like that to me."  
"Leave it alone, Rachel."  
"I will not leave it alone. I can see how much it's bothering you."  
"Please..."  
"Why won't you tell me what's happening?"  
"Because nothing has happened."  
"Stop lying."  
"What do you want me to say?"  
"Try the truth."  
"It's nothing to say."  
"I have been studying the both of you for this past month and I know  
something big has happened. Have you finally told her the truth?"  
"So what if I did?"  
"But that's great! Isn't it?"  
"I wish I'D never met her.."  
"Don't say that. I know that you love her."  
"I wish I didn't."  
"Why? I thought..."  
"You thought wrong...You want to hear the truth? You want to hear  
the whole nasty truth?"  
"Yes."  
"We spend the night together."  
"Oh.."  
"Yeah, oh..That's her reaction also."  
"But.."  
"I told her that night..I told her the truth. And she..."  
"What?"  
"She threw it in my face."  
"No."  
"Yes. I told her that I was in love with her and she considered  
it a mistake."  
"Luke, I'm sure she didn't meant it."  
"Oh, yes she did. She stood right here and told me that we should  
forget and that it all was just a mistake."  
"I'm so sorry."  
"YEP..and then tonight..."  
She reached for me but I avoided her hand.  
"What?"  
"She told me that she had made a mistake."  
"And?"  
"And nothing.."  
"It has to have been something more."  
"She told me that she loved me."  
"Oh, that's great!"  
"She was obviously lying."  
"Luke, no."  
"She wanted to mend our friendship and she came up with that."  
"Maybe she was telling the truth."  
"No, not Lorelai. I know her by now. She doesn't change her mind."  
"Maybe she was just scared.."  
"No, I refuse to believe that."  
"Is it so impossible that she really loves you?"  
I rose.  
"You don't understand! She stood here in the middle of the diner  
and told me...that it was all a mistake! I gave her everything that  
night. I gave her myself. And she just..."  
"You have to forgive her."  
"Why? I don't have to do anything."  
"Because you love her."  
"No..I thought I did.."  
"You lie."  
She walked up to me and framed my face between her hands.  
"Look at me, Luke Danes. Look at me!"  
I met her gaze.  
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love her."  
"I DON'T LOVE HER."  
I broke free from her and turned my back to her.  
"I don't believe you."  
"I don't care."  
"She loves you, Luke. Everyone can see that. And you love her."  
"No."  
"Why can't for once admit that?"  
"Because.."  
"Because what?"  
"She hurt me!"  
"You have to forgive her."  
"I don't know if I can."  
She walked up to me and took my hand.  
I turned to her.  
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at her.  
"I don't want to be alone anymore.."  
I fell into her.  
She wrapped her arms around me and whispered:  
"Go to her. Go to her and tell her the truth."  
"What if she doesn't want me? I said so many horrible things."  
"She will forgive you."  
"But...."  
"She loves you. You have to believe that."  
She let go of me and looked at me.  
She smiled.  
I smiled.  
"Thank you."  
-----------------------------------  
Three days later  
Hartford.  
----------------------------  
"Is this it, Mr. Danes?"  
My hands trembled as I took the ring in my hand.  
It was a small diamond.  
Perfect.  
It represented everything that was her.  
Beauty.  
It took three days for me to work up the courage to come here.  
To buy this ring.  
I hadn't planed it this way.  
I had dreamed.  
I will admit that.  
That I will win her heart once again.  
I have planed it well.  
I will not lose again.  
Never again.  
She will be mine and I will love her.  
Keep her.  
I smile at the jeweler as he places the ring back in its box and  
hands it over to me.  
"Who is the lucky lady?"  
All I can do is smile.  
"Lorelai."  
Then I pay and walk out.  
  
I was still smiling as I got into my car.  
Maybe it was foolish to do this.  
I don't know.  
But I have to take a chance.  
I have to make her see that I need her with me.  
Forever, this time.  
I will go to her now and ask her to be my wife.  
Maybe I'm a fool.  
But this feels right.  
I have never felt like this before.  
So alive.  
This feels bigger than me.  
I start the car.  
The night creeps closer as I head home.  
To her.  
I turn up to the car radio to max as I leave Hartford behind.  
Bruce Springsteen is on.  
I sing.  
I laugh.  
I fly.  
It happened so fast.  
I turned the corner and met my destiny.  
It had been getting colder.  
An icy road.  
I hit the breaks.  
I knew instantly that it was a mistake.  
The car went flying.  
My scream still lingered in my mind as I crashed through the  
railing and into the dark forest.  
Panic.  
Fear.  
NO! NO! NO! NO!  
Then a tree.  
I knew what was going to happen before it did.  
I couldn't avoid it.  
Scream.  
Then I hit the tree.  
The last thing that was on my mind before darkness took over  
was her.  
Lorelai.  
Then darkness.  
-------------------------------------  
"Are you all right?"  
Rory was standing in the doorway to my bedroom.  
I rose from the bed and looked at her.  
"Of course I AM. Why do you ask?"  
"You have been up here for an hour. It's not like you."  
"I'm fine."  
LIAR  
"Do you want to rent some movies and get some pizza or something?"  
I smiled.  
"Yeah, I'll just change and then I'll come down."  
"Okay. Are you sure you are okay?"  
"Yes! Don't worry."  
"It's just that you are not the same."  
"Don't be silly. Go down. I'll be down in a minute."  
She smiled at me and went down.  
I know that I should tell her.  
I should have told her along time ago.  
But I can't.  
I don't want to hurt her by making her hope for something that will  
never happen.  
It's better that she will not know.  
I don't want to see her hurt.  
So I will keep this for myself.  
To save her from the pain.  
  
I dressed quickly.  
I was down a minute later.  
I found Rory in the living room.  
Rachel was standing in the middle of the room.  
She looked up as she saw me.  
Our eyes met.  
Sorrow painted her eyes.  
Pain.  
"What's the matter?"  
Then I met Rory's eyes and saw the tears.  
"What's wrong?"  
Rachel walked up to me and took my hand.  
"You better sit down, mom."  
I looked at my daughter and fear gripped at my heart.  
"What's wrong? Tell me."  
Silence.  
I sat down.  
Rachel sat down opposite me.  
She looked like she would fall apart at any moment.  
"It's Luke."  
"What has happened?"  
She avoided my eyes as she continued:  
"He was in AN accident tonight."  
"He is all right isn't he?"  
"Lorelai..I."  
I understood.  
She didn't have to speak those words.  
I could already read it in her face.  
The pain struck and struck hard.  
I shook my head.  
Not believing.  
"They tried but he was already dead when they arrived at  
the hospital."  
"No! NO! NO!"  
"I couldn't understand why he had to go to Hartford. It had been  
snowing all day. But he was determined. Nothing could hold him back.  
So I let him. I never thought..."  
I rose.  
"No! You are wrong! Someone has made a mistake."  
I met her gaze and knew.  
I fell.  
I shattered.  
I broke into millions of pieces.  
Rory reached for my hand but I slipped away from her hand.  
"No. There's no mistake...I saw him. They let me see him."  
"Please, Rachel...Why are you doing this?"  
"Because you loved him as much as I did."  
Tears filled her eyes as she continued:  
"They had cleaned up really nice....He looked...so peaceful. And I.."  
"NO! NO! Not Luke...He.."  
My legs gave away and I fell.  
"They told me...That he was driving to fast...There was a bend in  
the road...Ice...And..."  
Gone.  
Luke.  
So fast.  
In a blink of an eye.  
It couldn't...  
I wanted to shut my eyes and never open them again.  
I wanted to hide.  
Run away.  
Pain came knocking.  
Rory sat down beside me and whispered my name.  
Tears made my sight blurry as I looked at her:  
"Why him?"  
"I don't know, Mom."  
I turned towards Rachel.  
She sat there looking so small.  
So fragile.  
Like a wind could knock her over.  
I reached out and took her hand.  
She looked at me.  
Tears marked her face as she spoke:  
"He had this on him..."  
She reached into her jacket and pulled out a small box.  
We both understand what it was.  
I could see pain in her eyes as I met her gaze.  
My hands trembled as I received the box.  
Opened it.  
Saw the ring.  
The small diamond.  
Gold.  
"He wanted you to have it..."  
Her voice fade to black as I removed the ring from the safety of the  
box.  
Tears marked my face as I slipped it on my hand.  
It fit perfectly.  
"Luke..."  
He came to me.  
His face was before me.  
Smiling.  
I closed my eyes and in a moment he was there in the room.  
I could almost feel him.  
See him.  
Taste him.  
It's amazing the games your mind can play on you.  
For a moment, for a single minute, I believed that my prayers could  
bring him back to me, safe and unharmed.  
But reality hit as I opened my eyes.  
"There's an inscription...I opened the box...I read...I thought..."  
I understood.  
I could see disappointment in her eyes.  
Pain.  
Sorrow.  
I removed the ring slowly.  
I was already missing its touch.  
I had a hard time breathing as I read:  
"You have my heart - Luke."  
In that moment my insides exploded.  
I bleed.  
Everything went spinning.  
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"  
He had wanted me.  
He had wanted me in spite of all my faults.  
He had wanted just me.  
Nothing else.  
Me.  
And I had pushed him away.  
I rose.  
Wanted to run.  
Away from this hell that was this room.  
But she stopped me.  
They stopped me.  
"There was a letter...."  
I turned to Rachel.  
She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand and reached inside  
her jacket and removed an envelope.  
"I found it among his things... It says Lorelai on the envelope."  
I looked at her, searching for answers.  
Rachel rose from the couch.  
"I'll leave you alone to read it.."  
Then she was gone.  
Rory followed her to the door.  
My hands were shaking as I opened the envelope and read:  
"I thought I could erase you from my heart.  
I worked day and night in the battle to remove every trace of you.  
But it was impossible.  
Your smell was on me.  
Everywhere I turned you were there.  
Chasing me around.  
I wanted to so desperately to show that I could live without you.  
But I know the truth now.  
I don't want to be alone anymore.  
I hate it.  
I hate that you are not by my side.  
You belong here.  
With me.  
I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, Lorelai.  
As the years passed I began to love you..  
I know, I'm sounding silly...Foolish almost...  
But I don't know how to make you see how much I love you.  
I tried to show it.  
But my acts felt so useless and pointless.  
Then you came to me and saved me.  
I gave myself totally that night.  
Loving you with my hands.  
But I couldn't hold back.  
Not anymore.  
So I told you.  
Your reaction to that night hurt me more than I know that was  
possible.  
You hurt me, Lorelai.  
So I stayed away.  
But I couldn't remove you from my heart.  
I can see that now.  
I can see things so clearly now.  
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. But all I know is that I  
want you. Desperately. And if I don't ask you to be mine I know that  
I will regret it. I will die a very slow and painful death.  
I will go to Hartford and then I will go to you and hope that  
I can win your heart.  
I love you always,  
Luke.  
  
With a cry I fell.  
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor.  
I screamed.  
"LUKE!!!!!!!!!!!"  
I clung to the letter like it could save me from what was to come.  
Rory.  
Her hand on my shoulder.  
Around me.  
Whispering words of comfort.  
I fell into her.  
Save me.  
Save me.  
Save me.  
Bring him back.  
I whispered my plea to the heavens.  
But all that met me was silence.  
I died.  
  
--------------------------------  
Two days later  
--------------------------------  
"Mom, are you ready?"  
The world came back with her voice.  
Rory.  
She was standing in the doorway.  
Looking older than she really was.  
Dressed in black.  
I was sitting on my bed.  
Dressed in black.  
I looked at her.  
Tears in my eyes.  
"I don't want to do this.."  
"Mom..."  
"No! I don't..."  
She walked up to me and sat down beside me.  
"Mom, you have to.."  
"No, I don't..He..This is not happening.."  
She took my hand.  
Tears marked my face.  
"Tell me that he is coming back to me."  
"I can't do that."  
"Lie to me."  
"Mom, we can make it through this."  
"I don't know if I can.."  
"Yes you can."  
"No. I'm not strong. I'm weak. I need him. I need him to breathe."  
"You are breathing."  
"Why did this happen?"  
"It was an accident..."  
"Why couldn't anyone save him?"  
"They tried..But.."  
"Why couldn't HE save him?"  
I looked up.  
"You don't believe in God."  
"But they say that He is so great...So why did He take him? Why LUKE?  
What did I do that was so wrong? Why is He punishing me?"  
"You did nothing."  
"I have to have done something. But I can't understand why."  
"I can't answer that. No one can."  
"But."  
"Mom..."  
Tears marked my face as I looked at my lovely daughter.  
"I can't live without him..."  
"Yes, you can."  
"No...He was everything...I loved him."  
"I know you did. I loved him to."  
"Why did he leave? Why did he go to Hartford? He knows better than  
to drive fast in that kind of weather. Damn him!"  
Hate filled me.  
It made me stronger.  
I rose.  
I lifted my head towards the sky and screamed:  
"I HATE YOU, LUKE! CAN YOU HEAR THAT!? Damn you for leaving!!!"  
Rory rose and reached for me but I slipped from her hand.  
"NO! I HATE HIM! I hate him for leaving me here all alone! How could  
he believe that I could make it here alone? DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!??  
Why did you leave me? Please, come back. Come back!!!"  
I fell to the floor.  
I cried.  
My voice was just a whisper as I spoke:  
"I need you here with me. Come back to me."  
I bowed my head and surrendered to a world of pain.  
  
-----------------------------  
He laid him to rest under a big oak.  
I think he would have liked that spot.  
It was a nice service.  
He would have hated it.  
I walk up to the window.  
It has begun to snow.  
The sun graces us with its presence.  
I stoke my flat belly.  
Months from now it will be big.  
I whisper:  
"We'll make it together."  
I have fallen in love with the miracle that grows below my heart.  
He is not gone.  
He will never leave me.  
He has left a piece behind for me.  
And I know I will survive.  
-------------------------  
Feedback. j_rothen@yahoo.se 


End file.
